To Simply Be Still

I have been listening to the song "You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets. Every once in a while a song hits me and I have to listen to it over and over again until I get what is really being said to me. There are a few parts in the song that have really been hitting me lately and making me think.

"Still you call me to walk on the edge of this world"
How just simply wild is that? Just the thought makes me wonder of the great things that I don't even know about.

"It took more than my strength to simply be still"
This is the one that just yelled out at me. I have been learning this great lesson and I have just seen it very clearly. Be still... There is no need for change. There is no need to move on or go away. Just BE STILL. I have been taught this lesson at my job and a few other places in my life. I wont get into this but it has been a huge lesson lately. Then I am thrown this message... Leave... That is so different than the lesson that God has been teaching me lately that I should have seen it in the light a long time ago. Just BE STILL.

Thank you for all of the prayer for clarity.

"With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace"
I think that we all do this all the time. We take the gift that we were given in Jesus and just try to bury His grace. We put all of this other junk and stuff into some thing that was meant to be just simply grace.

"But You love me anyway"
I am reminded in this that no matter what I do He will love me anyway. He knew my decision before I even made it. If I left He would love me anyway. If I stay He will love me anyway. Just do whatever it is that you are going to do in love for Him and that is all that matters.

"I am the thorn in Your crown... but You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your Brow... but You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist... but You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss... but You love me anyway
See, now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd for Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground...
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face with this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace...
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You...
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life... but You loved me anyway"
This part of the song just gives me chills and hits me right in the face. I am all of these things... Are you?

My relationship has been hurting lately. My faith is fading. It is my prayer today for renewal.

See... it doesn't have anything to do with if someone has enough time to reply to an email... it has nothing to do with my husband and my children's faith... It has nothing to do with making me feel guilty... It has nothing to do with people leaving the church... It has nothing to do with your fear... It has nothing to do with anything except for my relationship with my one and only Jesus.

Sometimes it is just really hard to be simple...

opening up...

There are times when I have opened up to a person before and really been hurt by doing it. So now when I open up my heart and what I am truly feeling to someone it really means that I trust that person with myself. I find it hard to be around these people after opening up. Afraid to see myself reflected back at me or afraid to see what they really feel about me.I find myself being the same way with God.

I know that He truly sees everything already. So why is it so hard to bring up somethings and put them in the light instead of leaving them in the darkness? He already knows! I don't know... Maybe one day I will have the answer to that.

Lately I have had to make some really tough calls when it comes to certain things in my life. Today I am making another rough call. I looked at my husband last night and said... You know if he never answers me then I will have to leave... Big call there. So I have decided that if he does not answer me today; then what I heard was true and it is time to leave. I am praying so hard that he will just answer me today. I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave what is comfortable. But not having a answer makes it uncomfortable so I can't wait for an answer for forever.

The unheard scream... I have had a lot of those in my life. Right now it is the unheard scream inside that is screaming answer me please just answer me.

Empty...

I am losing my two girls in a few days. Every year during the summer the girls go to their Dad's house in Illinois. It is like losing my heart every time they go!

I think that this has been a huge part of what has been wrong with me lately. I don't let it show to much but the moment my girls leave my heart is broken. In working on hiding this hurt I think that somehow I hid it from myself and I didn't realize that this is why I have been hurting lately.

I spend all my days with them. I love being a Mom to them and just really being a part of their life. K got to stop writing now or I will be crying all over the place!

Where do you go?

Where do you go when there is no clear direction for you to go?

I go to Jesus. I sit with Him, I walk with Him, I talk to Him, and most important I listen to Him... But right now I am listening and I am not hearing anything. I heard something from Him clearly. But I am so afraid to walk in that direction... I keep asking is this really it? Is this what I am really supposed to be doing? But all I am getting is silence.

I decided to wait until after June 12th to see if I hear anymore from Him about this. But since then I have been feeling empty. I have been feeling confused. I have been feeling lost. I know He is still out there listening to me.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

I will be listening...

Blow you away...

How has God blown you away lately?

Yesterday I was having a horrible day. I was grumpy and angry... just plain tired. I think it might have to do with me really not knowing what He is wanting from me right now.

Yesterday evening James and I went to the store to pick up my temporary wedding band. A year ago I lost the diamond out of my engagement ring so I have not been wearing my wedding ring set. I have been wearing a cheap ring that we used for our wedding. So for mother's day they bought me a temporary ring to wear until we could afford the $600 it was going to cost to replace my missing diamond.

On the way home James asked me if I liked the ring and I told him yeah it would do until we replaced my diamond. I joked with him and told him that we would be able to afford that when we retired..lol So in my mind I thought nope its up to God when He will replace that diamond.

So this morning on my way into work during my morning prayer... I prayed to have a better day than yesterday...

When I got to work I went to some of the girls in the office and I was showing them my new ring and telling them the story about my missing diamond... So one of my coworkers says are you looking to buy a diamond? I said yeah but it will cost us $600 and we can't afford it right now... Then she says I have a diamond in my purse that I will sell to you for cheap!!!!!!

She has had this diamond in her purse for the last three years with no real plan on what to do with it... I have been walking around for the last year with my ring in my purse praying for a way to replace my diamond!

Needless to say God has blown me away yet again and I am having a wonderful day!!!!!!

Smothered...

Sometimes I feel so smothered that I can not breathe. I am feeling that way in one part of my life right now.

I was told something the other day during my prayer time. I don't know if I should take it for exactly what was said or not. I am waiting and still listening... But since then all of the bad that I could see about this one spot in my life has come to light. Every time I turn around the bad spots are slapping me in the face. Have they always been there and I have just ignored them... or are they just starting to happen now.

I am sold out... 100% sold out. My faith is the strongest that it has ever been. I love God with all of my heart and all of my soul and all of me. I always have an ear turned to listen and to seek out what I am supposed to be doing. Waiting to hear from Him. I would rather die than to deny Him any part of me.

But what do I do when what He is telling me to do would appear to ruin my marriage? When it would tear me a part from the local church that I am a member of?

I am listening... Sometimes I need to be reassured...

Hey!!! Where have you been???

I guess it has been a long time since I last wrote anything on here. I had no idea that it had been that long. I need to put it back in my schedule to at least write on here once a week again.

Where have I been?

Lets see... I have been working and enjoying my job lately. The last month has been a trying time for me. It is my one year anniversary since I left my old job. It was and is still really hard. I read something the other day about forgiveness... I need to really work on that forgiveness and get those guys out of my life. My heart is still hurting and the pain cuts really deep. I thought that I was done with all of that. But the last month has proved to me that I am not. I need to remember the grace that Jesus asked me to have and to actually extend that grace into forgiveness.

School has been crazy lately. I had a major melt down and almost quit my accounting school. I think that I am just really being over worked and under supported. After finally expressing this to my husband I feel a lot better though. I just could not find the time to get all of my work done and still spend time with my family. God answered a prayer and not really in the way I thought... But now I have about an hour to an hour and a half in the morning to work on my school work.

As for Bible college I am wrapping up my class and writing my final paper on that one. I wanted some big bright answer to God's call but I haven't received it yet. I keep hearing about spiritual gifts and they are all around me. Maybe I need to take some quiet time and really just open up to hear the answer.

Family life is going good. Rikki and Jissi are getting ready to leave for the summer. I will miss them. But they really do need some good time with their Dad. James and I are going to be doing the summer kids program at church to still be around kids during the time that they are gone. I think that it will really be fun this year.

I am working on reading the Bible in 90 days still. I lost some time but now I have made it up. So it will be 90 plus days :) I love reading the Bible and hearing what my Father has to tell me. When I am reading the Bible it seems like the rest of the day goes great.

So here is to another great day with my one and only true pure love.... Jesus!